Money and Relationships: How a “Trapped” Stay-at-Home-Mom Can Break the Cycle

I read a post recently on a discussion board, Momster.com. This post details the feelings of entrapment, financial inequality and neglect stay-at-home-mother (SAHM) Wyjo feels because her fiancé hoards all of the money that “he brings in.” This situation can actually occur more often than one would think, so I thought we could all brainstorm some solutions to Wyjo’s situation.

The Situation

Before we dive into the solutions, let me paraphrase the situation: Wyjo lives in a small town with few jobs and no daycare. The nearest large town is 20 minutes away. She has always worked before she met her fiancé and has since become a SAHM. She and her fiancé have been together for five years, and she has a 15 year old and a 3 year old. The couple only has one car, which is titled to the fiancé.

Wyjo’s fiancé works a sales job with rough hours, so he takes their only car and leaves the home from 8 am to any time after 7 pm (up to 11 pm some evenings). The job allows for every weekend off. During the weekends, the fiancé prefers to make plans that do not include Wyjo and again takes their only car.

The car has become an even bigger issue because Wyjo’s parents are in failing health. She must care for them on top of her own family, and they live 50 miles away. During the week (since that is the only time she is allowed use of the car) Wyjo must drive her fiancé to work, drive 30 more miles to pick up her father, drive back into town to complete errands, take her father home, and drive back into town to pick up her fiancé. Often she must wait around many hours for her fiancé to get off of work.

Their biggest problem, though, is how controlling her fiancé is about money. Since he is the only person in the family working, he considers all of the money his. Wyjo must call him to request permission to purchase anything over a few dollars, and she is running into the same must-control-the-money issues she had with her ex-husband.

The Solution

As you can see, this problem is pretty big. Wyjo needs a car if she wants to begin to work again, but she needs money if she wants to buy a car. She would need money if she wanted to end the relationship, but she does not have access to any cash. Wyjo also seems to be in a cycle of relationships with controlling men. So what should she do to break free from her stifling situation? Here are a few ideas:

• Leave the Fiancé – Unless they get some counseling, the future of this relationship does not look promising. Wyjo could request her parents’ help to purchase a cheap car and to house her and her children. From there, she could find a job and eventually get back on her feet.
• Seek Marriage and Financial Counseling – If her fiancé would be open to counseling, they may be able to work out these differences. Counselors can show them that their partnership needs to be more of a joint effort to succeed.
• Move Into Town – One way to make her current situation more bearable would be to move the entire family, fiancé included, into the large city. Once there, Wyjo could find a job and a daycare, make friends and run her parents’ errands, all without needing another car.

These are the three solutions that immediately came to mind, but I’m sure there are a ton more ideas. If you would like to help me help Wyjo, post your solutions here. I will pass them all on to Wyjo at Momster. Together we can help Wyjo find the balance she needs!

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